The Silent War...

 "The Silent Struggle of a Son: Between Mother and Wife"

Ganesh S. Dongre 

Rehab. Psychologist, Ph D. Scholar. 

ganeshdongre222@gmai.com

8605522285 

           In India, marriage is not just the union of two individuals it is the union of families, expectations, traditions, and emotions. But amid all the ceremonies and customs, there exists a silent sufferer: the son, caught between his love for his mother and his responsibility toward his wife.

           Whether it’s a love marriage or an arranged marriage, the emotional battle remains the same. Sadly, even after marrying the partner of their parents’ choice, many sons still find themselves in conflict, not because they lack love, but because they are caught between two different forms of love that are constantly being compared, questioned, and judged.

Why Is the Son Always in the Middle?

             In our society, we often expect a daughter-in-law to adjust, to change her habits, food, clothes, family dynamics, while the family rarely adjusts to her. We forget that this young woman has left behind her entire world: her parents, her home, her comfort zone to start a new life with her husband and his family.

And yet, many parents fail to offer her the basic emotional acceptance she deserves. From how she cooks to how she talks everything is monitored, judged, and sometimes criticized. Every small decision by the husband in favor of his wife is seen as him being “under her influence.”

                What we overlook is that the son is not trying to choose sides, he’s trying to maintain peace. He is constantly navigating between love and duty, trying to hold the family together, without hurting either his mother or his wife.

A Rising Mental Health Concern

As a practicing psychologist, I’ve seen numerous cases where sons come with signs of chronic stress, anxiety, emotional burnout, and marital conflict all rooted in this constant emotional tug-of-war.

Case 1: A 32-year-old IT professional broke down during therapy saying, “If I support my wife, I’m a bad son. If I support my mother, I’m a bad husband. I can’t lose either. But every day, I’m losing myself.”

Case 2: A 28-year-old man, married through arranged marriage, shared how his mother rejected his wife despite choosing her. “Even when everything was done their way, they still say I’ve changed. What more can I do?” he asked tearfully.

              These aren’t isolated cases. According to the National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (NIMHANS), family-related stress is one of the top reasons behind young adults seeking mental health support today, especially married men between the ages of 28–40.

          The Root of the Problem: Social Conditioning

The deep-rooted social conditioning that sons are always “strong” and should silently manage family conflict makes their pain invisible. Sons are rarely allowed to express emotional pain. They’re expected to just “deal with it.” But they too need support, compassion, and understanding.

              Moreover, the daughter-in-law is expected to be “perfect” an ideal homemaker, a respectful daughter-in-law, a great mother, a working woman and if she fails in even one role, she is judged. This pressure affects not just her, but the entire dynamic of the home.

In such homes, the son ends up emotionally suffocated, unable to speak openly with either side. He tries to act as the bridge but ends up becoming the battlefield.

             When Parents Become the Obstacle, Not Intentionally, But Emotionally. One of the saddest truths is that in many cases, parents unknowingly become the very reason their son starts distancing himself. Not because he doesn’t love them, but because he’s unable to live in constant emotional conflict.

                 In therapy, many men have shared how they had thought of settling near their parents post-marriage, but their parents’ constant resistance and criticism of the daughter-in-law pushed them away.

This emotional abandonment isn’t about physical distance. It’s about the growing gap in understanding, empathy, and acceptance.

Breaking the Silence: What Needs to Change

Equal Acceptance

Just like we expect our daughter to be accepted by her in-laws, we must also accept our daughter-in-law with love and respect.

Healthy Boundaries

Sons should be encouraged to set healthy emotional boundaries and be supported, not judged, for prioritizing peace.

Open Conversations

Families must normalize talking about emotions without labeling or guilt-tripping. Sons should be allowed to share without fear.

Support for Men’s Mental Health

Society must recognize that men also face emotional breakdowns. Silence should not be mistaken for strength.

Empathy Over Expectations

Parents need to shift from expecting obedience to offering emotional partnership. Every generation has its journey it’s time we walk alongside, not ahead.

In Conclusion

I am not saying this is the case in every family, but in many families, this emotional triangle is slowly draining sons and shaking marital foundations.

If we want healthy families, we must create emotionally safe spaces, for daughters, for daughters-in-law, and yes, for sons too.

Let’s remember:

A daughter-in-law is not an outsider.

And a son, even after marriage, still needs his parents, not their control, but their understanding.

Let’s stop making him choose.

Let’s support him in keeping both relationships alive, without letting one destroy the other.